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80-90% of New Year’s resolutions end up in the bin.
25% of people give up in the very first week.
For anyone who has set themselves a goal before, you know how difficult it can be to keep up with new habits.
Most people fall short despite motivation, a wealth of information on how to set goals and countless tech products to help you get there.
But why?
It’s something that has always fascinated me. Probably as I've fallen short on plenty of occasions before.
What we often do not account for is a hidden force.
A force that dictates how most people live their lives.
A force so powerful that it keeps people trapped in a life that they do not want to live.
A force so deceiving that most people never wake up and see it.
This is the ‘Reactivity Paradox’.
Why are we reactive?
Reactivity is the force that prevents you from being the person you want to be.
It is the irresistible pull that causes you to react to events in your life before you have a chance to put on the lens of conscious thought.
I love this quote from Viktor E. Frankl (Man's Search for Meaning - great read by the way):
"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
‘Reacting’ is an instinctual and rapid response, usually characterised by fear and anger. It is caused by an overwhelming signal from the amygdala to the rest of your brain.
Stimulus → Signal from amygdala → Reaction
‘Responding’ is a conscious response that is learnt with time, patience and practice. It is usually much calmer and more logical.
Stimulus → Signal from amygdala → Processing in prefrontal cortex → Response
Your amygdala is like a very sensitive fire alarm, your pre-frontal cortex is the fire department and our triggers are plumes of smoke.
When the fire alarm (amygdala) is triggered, the fire department (prefrontal cortex) can assess the situation and determine if there is actually a fire or if it’s just the toaster again.
If we don’t train our fire department, they will fail to spot the difference between real and perceived threats and our fire alarm will continue to sound.
In other words, we instantly react to the situations in our life without giving our brain a chance to properly process.
Being reactive in the right situation, when faced with an actual threat, is incredibly beneficial.
It has ensured our survival as a species for millennia.
But the majority of most people’s lives are now pretty safe and therefore reactivity can become a real problem.
Reactivity sits on a spectrum and varies according to your stress levels, upbringing and life events. Some people are dealt a worse hand in life and will find it much more difficult to work on their reactive tendencies.
It’s often something that goes under the radar and prevents you from moving forward.
You set goals but fall short.
You start new habits then drop off.
You try to break bad habits but fail.
Despite maximum effort, meticulous planning and all the will in the world - something just keeps getting in the way.
If you do not work to conquer your mind then you will become a slave to the ingrained patterns that hold you back.
But how does being reactive stop you achieving your goals?
Does snapping at your partner or getting worked up in a traffic jam stop you from achieving your goals?
Perhaps not, but reactivity comes in more than one form.
We can break it down into:
Positive Reactivity
Positive reactivity is easy to spot. It’s the type of reactivity that creates conflict.
It’s often emotional, angry, fearful.
It’s characterised by those moments that you do or say something that you ultimately regret.
Yelling at someone who cuts you off in traffic
Arguing on social media
Saying something you later regret when you’re in a bad mood or stressed
Crying over spilt milk
This sort of reactivity hurts our relationships with others.
Partners, friends, colleagues, strangers.
Overly reactive people find it harder to network, make friends and maintain healthy relationships.
All of which are key parts of a happy and healthy life.
But many ‘positively reactive’ people are still able to achieve their goals.
2. Negative Reactivity
This is where things get interesting.
This form of reactivity is insidious, sneaky and overlooked.
We have to really work to spot it in ourselves.
Negative reactivity is the tendency to choose the path of least resistance when faced with a challenging situation or task.
How this manifests is by you choosing to engage in activities that require less effort than the goal you’re trying to achieve.
Instead of pursuing the more difficult action that will take you closer to achieving your goal you ‘react’ in three ways:
Avoidance - actively avoiding a difficult action e.g Goal: Improve health, get stronger, Action: Gym every day, Avoidance: Spend evening on the sofa
Excuses - we often then react to avoidance by creating excuses instead of taking responsibility e.g. ‘I was really tired after work’
Procrastination - choosing an easier task over something more difficult e.g. Goal: Complete business proposal, Action: Sit down and create financial model, Procrastination: Rearrange to-do list
These actions are often unconscious but can cause havoc to your well-meaning plans, hopes and dreams.
4 Simple Steps To Ditch Reactivity
Step 1: Develop self-awareness
If you are not aware, you are shooting in the dark.
Identify moments when you are:
Positively reactive e.g. snappy comments, emotional or triggered by situation
Negatively reactive e.g. avoiding a situation, procrastinating, making excuses
Write down WHEN these moments occurred (behaviour) and WHY (triggers).
BONUS - ask a trusted friend/partner for feedback…
Step 2: Self-Regulation
This is learning to manage your thoughts, emotions and behaviours to help manage positive reactivity.
Pause - before reacting, give yourself time. The higher the emotion, the longer the pause.
Deep breathing - calm your stress response with slow, diaphragmatic breathing.
Step 3: Take Action
Address the situation that is causing your reactivity.
If negative reactivity (procrastination/avoidance) - break down the task not the smallest chunks possible, use rewards and focus on the process (rather than the outcome).
If positive reactivity (feeling triggered) - set boundaries when not triggered, limit exposure to the trigger if possible and seek support and advice (therapist/friend/mentor).
Step 4: Self-compassion
Don’t beat yourself up. Reactivity is a hard wired trait that is both powerful and sneaky. This deadly paradox makes it very difficult to overcome.
Be patient, forgive yourself if you react and recognise it takes time to change.
To Round Off
Overcoming reactivity is a challenge that requires effort, patience, and practice.
Beating it unlocks your true potential. But it’s not easy.
Take steps to develop you self-awareness, self-regulate and most importantly, take action.
Remember to practice self-compassion when things don’t change first time.
The key is to remain patient and commit to the process.
If you do, watch how you move towards the person you want to be.
- Mark Cox
If you enjoyed this letter, please do me a huge favour and share it with someone who may like it too (or someone you think is massively reactive and could do with the advice).
Until next time. Peace out x